Saturday, January 6, 2007
What I'm Feeling! (At the Hope!)
In all my years I'm experiencing a feeling that I never felt before. I'm feeling a sense of desertion. A feeling of being on a mountain or on a desert without any companion. A feeling of not getting the hint that my world around me was closing in. A sense of not getting the message until it was to late. A sense of not seeing the handwriting on the wall. Why have I didn't watch the developments? I say all this because those who I have worked so closely with are moving on and I feel that I'm left holding the damn bag. Kinda like a young teenager carrying a bag of dope across the street and getting caught while the supplier runs off free and I do five years in prison. On January 16th, interesting enough the day after Martin Luther King's birthday. You remember him, the one who spoke of freedom I will be a slave to a school that is short staffed, no Assistant Principals, an influx of students with all kinds of mental health issues and a future the length of a down trodding alcoholic. What I'm feeling is hopelessness, survival in a tunnel with no light. I'm confused! I want to walk away from the Hope but I feel like it's a drug to me and I'm addicted to it. Waiting for the next fix or should I say promise that things are going to get better. When am I going to get off this drug called contentment. It's one hell of a drug to kick it's habit. No I'm not the only one addicted but I'm the one that will be left holding the blow while others leave for treatment (another job). I feel like I'm in the welfare line waiting to get that check and when I get to the front of the line they tell me that they're closing and come back tomorrow. I look down the list, Walterman, Blazer, Planicka, Hempel, van Gilse, Kirkland, Barker, Lucas. What horoscope are they reading? I must be looking inthe wrong damn paper. It's evident that change of employment is needed. Walterman probably said it best when she said that she didn't feel that she was making a significant difference with the students. I need help in the form of advice. What would you do if you been at the same place for 21 years and the ship is again turbulent but hasn't sunk? Do you ride the tide to retirement or do you jump ship? Sounds like I'm getting ready to jump off the deep in? Nah! Just between a rock and a hard place. Holla back! Soon!!
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2 comments:
That's a tough call...you've dedicated so much of yourself to that place for sooooo long. But on the other hand I totally relate to those feelings...I still think sometimes I was a coward by walking away. But on the other hand, I did what was good for my health..physical and mental. You have to take care of yourself too, Stally...you have so much good to offer this world. I'm sure you pray for guidance...I'll send a few up for you myself!!
Stally...you can't save the world if you aren't taking care of yourself. If that place is tearing you down, it's time to move on. There are so many other places that could use someone with your inspiration, dedication, and insight into life. (Or you could retire and just write and write!) I know you helped build Hope from the ground up. And that is something to be proud of, and something you should never forget. But right now that place is not what it could be, or what it once was. And it just seems to get worse and worse every year. Not because of the people who work there day in and day out, but because of the way admin runs it from their big mighty chairs in their comfy offices from a whole other campus. Hope is being used as a dumping ground. You KNOW what those kids NEED. But your hands are tied because you can't give it to them because it is out of your control. I know what you are feeling. Trust me...been there!
Whatever you decide to do, do what's best for you first. love ya Stally!
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